Psychology has many facets to it, it’s a layered ideology of a multitude of concepts that pertain the brain. It’s a consistently evolving study, just like every other science. One of the most persistent issues that the human brain faces and comes across is stress. Everyone has experienced a form of stress in our modern day society. We have felt anxious, scared, and nervous before. All of those tie back to stress and stressors in our personal lives.

In my psychology of stress class, we recently dove into a great set of presentations that focused on stress relieving exercises everyday people can practice in their day to day life. The one I chose was Cognitive Restructuring. This practice is not easy, but it’s very doable.

Now you may be wondering why the hell I’m blogging about a school topic. Hear me out. During my presentations today, I really felt connected to this topic. Because as much as it is a psychological topic, I have definitely allowed this to be a core practice within my personal growth. So now let me tell you what this shit really is.

Cognitive Restructuring is, well, what the name kind of implies. It’s a practice to restructure or rationalize your cognitive or mental thoughts. Now, it’s not simple. Even though on the surface it seems like all you have to do is rewire your entire brain to think better thoughts it’s actually more than that.

Our society tends to take things very personally. Let’s say your boss, friend, parent, or partner are upset. They are angry, not speaking to you, or completely blocking you out. Our natural reaction is think “well damn I fucked out.” Or “oh shoot, they are unhappy with my actions, my words, my body language and so forth.” Our natural reaction is to jump to conclusions. And our conclusions usually center around negative actions on our own behalf. But who is to say that your friends lack of communication with you is your fault? Who is to say that if your partner is angry or crying that it’s all your fault?

That’s where cognitive restructuring comes into play here. These thoughts and conclusions that we jump to evoke stress, anxiety, sadness and feelings of unworthiness within us. So then why do we automatically assume the worst? What if we just take our initial though and morph it into a positive one? What is we allow ourselves to think “My person is stressed, is having a rough time in work or something at home happened that led them to be upset, and it’s not within my control?” This way, we have a positive outlook on what could possibly be happening. And this way it also allows us to communicate with the other party to make sure they are okay and assess those feelings.

Many people project a lot of their personal issues because they are either still learning how to handle their feelings or they just don’t even know. I know I project. I know I’m learning. I know that I jump to conclusions. I feel emotions too deeply sometimes from other people so I take it up as my own baggage. I’m learning to let go of that. If people are upset, I let them be angry. I let them and always make sure that I don’t think negatively of my own self and feed into their energy. And if by any chance it does illicit a negative emotion from me, I do my best to get to the source of why that pains me and what nerve that strikes.

We as people have to realize that we are the ones in control of our lives. Our thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, happiness, emotions, and love are all within ourselves. We are the ones who are able to do everything possible. We must program ourselves to be more positive. We have to be thankful for what we have and keep striving towards even better.

I do understand this doesn’t apply as easily to people who are starving and have no shelter or water. And for that I am sorry to try and broaden this to EVERYONE. But those who have access to this blog should also be able to reconstruct and reinvent themselves.

It’s a good day to be alive. Have a blessed one. Namaste 🌈💕🍃🌎☀️

I’ve been in a few deep ruts in my life. Thankfully, enough to count on one hand. In fact, enough to count on 2 fingers. I lost my grandmother to cancer in ’16 and that was the lowest I’ve ever felt. Then I lost who believed to be the love of my life two years later, but not to the forever, but to many conflicts.

Reflecting on those times now, I can say they were hard but I can also say I survived. I journaled through those times, and reading back, I didn’t think I would make it out according to the words I used to write. I was hurting. I was not aligned and I was petrified. It hurt. It hurt in my heart, it hurt in my soul, it hurt me emotionally more than anything could hurt me physically because of how helpless I felt.

Well right now, I’m experiencing the third time. I am in a rut. I feel like I’m in the mundane. I am sad with waking up not next to the person I love, in a house where the two adults don’t even love each other, going to get an education that cost me a fortune. I am sad about going to a job that sells plastics that are released into the world to decompose for thousands of years. Selling people products with calorie counts higher than any persons average intake should be, increasing our nations obesity problem.

I understand I’m looking at it the wrong way but it’s because I’m having a really hard time not feeling this pain, like I did when I lost a part of my family and when I lost someone who I loved (incorrectly). The reason those prior times hurt is because I had to learn a lot. I had to pull myself out of the darkness. I had to push myself. I have to do the same now and I keep remind myself it will just be another tally on a finger I can prove to have survived.

It’s very hard though. Yet writing about it now is somehow giving me a weird peace about it. Because I’m acknowledging that I not only can but will come out. It’s all my choice, and it was my choice to come out of the other ruts so why not this one too.

I spoke with a friend today about their relationship and they were saying that they feel like their significant other isn’t growing due to their dependence on them. I listened as I do and made best with the information I was receiving. Now, I choose to be unlike that persons significant other and I will be independent and grow and finish the shit and the mundane so that when all of this is said and done, the world opens up right in front of me.

I’ll get out of this quite, small town. I will go to hug the rainforests and to dip my feet into every ocean that beckons me to. I will say hi to all the fish with the most vibrant colors of the sea. I will lay in the warm rays of the sun with the sounds of the breeze dancing in my hair.

I will hold the hand that I love. I will kiss the lips I yearn for. I will hold my heart close to the heart that beats within the person I plan to spend forever growing with. I will be okay. I will make it out alive. I will survive. I will only grow from the pain. I will only grow wiser, stronger, quicker and more in love with myself.

I just have to keep reminding myself as many times as it takes till I’m out of it.

Edit 10/19: also to add to this, I am just finishing a marathon I intended to run to get to the finish line. I’m running against myself. I’m clearing all the hurdles even when it feels like I’m being set back enormous amounts of time. I am shaping into the best version of myself with each breath I take. I am shedding so many layers of who I was. The naïve blind me doesn’t exist. She was once there but she will not be missed. Every door I walk through closes softly behind me because I chose it to close.

The only person cheering me on on the sidelines is my future self. Knowing that I will make it out of this wild uncomfortable ride to experience pure bliss again is what pushes me every moment of ever day. And I’m silly for sometimes letting myself forget so easily.

I am so much more than the sadness that wants so bad to be acknowledged. Old parts of me are looking to be released but i am refusing. That person was scared. She was insecure, she was looking to fill voids she could easily fill herself.

Well call me bob the damn builder imma fill my own voids.

Anywho ya I just had to add that on here because it’s so damn true.

Currently I am experiencing many heavy emotions in my personal life. It seems like I’m struggling to connect with many people who I know are my friends and family. I went to a music festival with people who I label as people who are relatively close to my heart, who I love dearly… yet I wanted to be alone 90% of the time. That being said, nothing against them, I just don’t feel okay to be around people right now because I haven’t had time to process the rapidly changing shit in my life and it’s building up.

I know I will soon be better. I know soon I will be okay. I know this too will pass. I know that it’s only temporary but right now I choose to be sad. I left my person in a time when I really wish I could be experiencing everything he is. Right now, I have experienced a multitude of emotions on the sadness scale because of this. Part of me felt like I was having separation anxiety, another part felt like my world was crumbling, I felt like shutting everyone and everything out because of the pain. I still feel this way but I’ve accepted that it is a feeling and it’s okay to feel them. I also know that there are reasons for me being this sad.

I’m questioning why it’s all happening. Did I so easily morph into a different life that when I came back to my “normal” I am feeling dazed and confused? Do I have to morph back into the person I was? Do I take the experiences I learned over the summer and relate them to my current? Is my sadness in my control? Am I sad because I’m afraid of having to learn things by myself?

These are the questions that I am asking myself right now. If I’m being honest with myself then I know that most of those questions answers are “yes”. However, I also know that for that last question in particular, I can have that fear be my guidance to learn. The fact that I’m even allowing myself to be honest with myself and questioning my own actions is empowering enough for me, it’s a reminder that I can and will overcome this. I have had these fears before, and I turned out just fine. This time, I just have to learn in a more powerful way.

I am very aware that I will be okay soon, and if I wanted to, I could be okay right now. I am choosing to be sad and to feel the pain because I want to learn to cope on my own and address my feelings as what they actually are and to be okay with not being okay.

I have “lost control” of my life. My room is a mess, my car is a mess, I haven’t been to school or work for a few weeks. I owe about 3 grand to people or to myself. I am very much letting go of control but I’m too tired to regain the control. And I keep pushing it off and prioritizing doing absolutely nothing with myself when I really should be taking hold. I will and I am. I just have to find a day to go into nature and find my center and then I’ll be okay. I also need to start prioritizing.

This entry is obviously a lot more vulnerable than my other ones but my life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. But I definitely don’t have it the worse. I can’t compare my hardships to others and my own experiences are for me to feel.

I will be okay. I just have to not be okay for a little and let myself feel all before harnessing and taking hold of my ability to control what is making me unhappy in my life.

I am strong, just like everyone. I am powerful, just like everyone. I can do this and I will do this. I see the future and I see myself coming out of this funk a much stronger, happier, healthier and loving person. Right now, I just have to find myself and my inner power through all the haze. To a better me.

Everyone is searching for answers.

But does anyone really know what they are questioning? Or rather who? Or truly why?

Does anyone really know? No, absolutely not.

Personally, right now, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. Although I am very much confused, I’m also very very hopeful that whatever needs to find me will make itself be known. Right now I’m struggling to find the next steps in my journey because I feel like I’ve let myself explore every option or at least a good chunk of them and their outcomes.

Wether they happen or not doesn’t really matter because honestly the likelihood of everything going any way I had imagined is slim. Yet, from experience I’ve been lucky enough to know that I can accommodate myself to any path my life does end up taking.

Right now, I feel very fragile and it feels like the changes are overtaking my practical side and I feel lost. The only reason that is is because I’m making myself be stuck by only thinking ahead instead of just staying within myself. And it frustrates me because I’ve already learned this lesson prior, to be in the present but for some reason I forgot and it’s harder the second time around to learn it.

I really need to start answering my own questions about what I want and where I would like to see myself in the near future. I need to get my head on straight and focus on myself.

I know I’ve always had a hard time being independent in a lot of my relationships, be that romantic or family and friends. Regardless, I have to be self-sufficient and self-sustaining if I want to see improvement in my connections. I have most definitely gotten better and I’m very proud of myself because of that.

I’m finding more of myself as I’m stripping away more of my old self constantly. Everyone is growing and molding and shaping and raising their elevations and energy intake. It’s hard and really uncomfortable. But within the uncomfort, we must learn to breath and center and calm and feel that exact moment. It’s never easy and it Doesn’t get easier but it also doesn’t get harder. The more you practice to breath into an uncomfortable situation the more at peace you feel.

Take this moment to check in with yourself. How are you really doing? How do you really feel? How would you like to feel? How do you get to where you want to feel? Are you providing for your own happiness? Really check in and ask yourself these questions. Do you love yourself? Are you learning to accept the parts of you even within your unconscious?

I know I have not been checking in frequently enough unfortunately and this post is also a reminder to myself to check in. Even if it’s for ten minutes.

Namaste, till next time. Peace and love to all.

Yesterday, I was speaking with a friend and he said people act out of fear or love and that really hit a spot in my soul. Not that it’s anything new really, it just blew my mind to fully consider that those two emotions are the strongest.

Seeing fear in others is something I personally think I’m good at picking up. I have very limited fears so when I sense others fear, I do my best to dilute theirs. I try to be as wholehearted and blunt with myself so that they feel trusting and willing to let fear go. I try to show my vulnerability to the best of my abilities. I face fear with my whole self and tell it to fuck right off because I choose to be myself in the havoc of all life. Life is too short to not be myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I get petrified from time to time but ever since I’ve let go of my ego and my limits, I am undoubtedly the person I know I am. And of course it’s getting more intense but it’s also getting easier. Funny how that works really.

And now that I know my faults and my faulty traits, I voice them and I work on them. I didn’t love parts of myself and it showed in my interactions with others. Now when I slip up or have a moment where life just gets crazy I remind myself it won’t be like this forever and to allow myself to just breath.

2/23/21 In retrospect- I am still completely flawed.

Perfectly so and I have by no means battled all of the “demons”, the ones that need my love and affection the most.

But the more honest I am with myself- the more honest I can be with the world and show my true self in its essence of love and hope to lead by example but it’s not to set the scene or be standing out intentionally, it’s more for my own benefit of feeling more free of the burdens I’ve placed on myself.

Tonight marks an end of a very amazing, wonderful, and crazy chapter in my life.

The past three months were one of the most fascinating yet hard months of my life. I was put through trials and tests that at times I didn’t think I could overstep but I did.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t scare me. From day one, I was petrified. But with that fear, there was a beautiful feeling of excitement and hope. Hope that the adventure I partook on will be amazing. And boy, it was. I morphed into a new person, I have let my true self shine through the facade I was for years. I’ve done lifetimes of work in a matter of these past three months.

Today marks the end because someone very dear to my heart is going to be near me again after these three months. So the self growth I did till now is completed. That’s not to say that I won’t be growing on my own, it’s just a different world of growth.

I needed to grow alone with them afar so I could be the best for myself so I can now provide my best for him as well. I loved every second of this journey and I’m just as excited for these new beginnings. I’m ready for the change that will ensue and it will be beautiful and it will be amazing. But again, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. But it’s the fear of the unknown. But the unknown is outside of the comfort zone, and we all learn and live up to our best potential by being outside of our comfort zones. So I welcome the fear alongside the excitement, joy, hope, and love. Fear just adds some thrill. I am very aware that it is irrational and so I refuse to let the fear chase away my joy.

Here’s to lifetimes of growth and joy and excitement. Cheers.

I don’t write these entries for anyone to read genuinely, it’s mostly so I can look back here after my progress but if someone does read this, thank you for investing energy to my words.

So as a psychology major, something I learned about the human brain is that we have the natural instinct for fight or flight. This means that when we are faced with difficult scenarios our brains tend to either fight or get out of that scenario as soon and as fast as possible. This is a primal instinct because this is also the same with animals.

Well, I’ve always been the one that would hate fighting or confrontation so I would just remove myself from the scenario. I would always have the flight instinct and never wanted to fight for shit. I took the easy route always. And then last year it hit me slowly that I have to face my actions and take responsibility for myself.

One of the current lessons I’m learning is to love my past but also to let it go. There have been times where I know I didn’t take the most perfect route, but it had to happen that way and I’m still alive and I hurt nobody in the process. And I tend to beat myself up mentally for the smallest little things because I want to feel the pain and learn the hard way so I can never make the same “mistake” again.

I’m learning to embrace my past because every little slip up and moment led me to be who I am in this moment and as much as I had wished in the past that I did something differently, I wouldn’t be who I am now had I not experienced those moments. And so I’m thankful for my growth and I’m thankful that I’m getting my shit together.

I tend to make a bigger deal out of my mistakes cus I want to please everyone and sometimes other people’s opinions still steer me towards my decision making. I have to not let outside factors control my actions. I’m my own person and as long as I’m sure I am doing the right thing for myself, then I’m doing the best for the people around me as well. I’m very consciously aware of my actions now and I would like to think my moral compass is rather defined and precise.

I have embraced the fight instinct and as much as I want to run away from all my problems. They always catch up one way or another so I might as well just put my big girl pants on, tie my hair up and get ready to fight my problems and feel the pain. Feel the growing pains and process all the things that come with life.

At the end of the day, I’m still learning so much about my capabilities and I have to take care of my body or else I can’t nourish my soul. I have to get back to regular exercise, eating and drinking water and sleeping for the correct amount of time. All of this being said, I’m really happy I grew from the kid I was in high school and from the kid I was merely a year ago.

But I’m shedding away my old skin and growing into my new mold. And she’s pretty sick. And I fought hard to be here. For myself so I can provide for others in a loving way.

I’m learning to feel okay with being not okay and speaking freely. And fighting through the challenges rather than running away or pushing them aside.

Most of my life, I’ve gotten hand me downs from my cousin or from family. I see nothing wrong with this by any means but over time I just got left with all the things other people didn’t want like furniture or clothes or small things. I also used to hoard a lot because many things had memorial value to me. I associated memories with tangible objects to make the memory last longer and now I know that doesn’t work like that.

Now that I’ve learned this, I’ve started physically letting go of things that no longer serve me a purpose. I deep cleaned my room the other day and I got ride of 3 trash bags worth and donated 75% of my belongings that I no longer wore, used or saw a purpose in.

That was mid process and as you can tell I had way too many belongings that I could easily live without. The finished product is still in the works but I opened up the floor for good energy flow and my room feels huge now.

I would like to still get some more crystals and plants and maybe put up my own paintings or some shelves of some sorts where I can put crystals and more succulents. I still have plenty of things I could easily let go but for now they will collect dust till I’m ready to let everything go.

Yesterday I went on a hike with my dearest friend and we cleansed on the hike and she listened to me ramble because all I ever do is talk peoples heads off but she tolerates it and that’s why I love her. On our way back from getting some delicious fish burritos we passed Elwood Nursery in Palos Verdes. I already knew I would make a purchase and adopt some new children into my life.

So here is Crouton on the far left, Liliana in the middle and Elliot. I’m really excited to see their growth.

I’ve never really loved being at home because the energy of my personal space was crowded and not really my own and this house projects such unsettling energy due to someone living here. But I took the initiative to remodel, to rebrand, to cleanse my space so now I can enjoy being here more rather than just running for the hills. My new children are also giving me a reason to come home and I’m super pumped for what this new space will produce from me in new creative outlets.

I’ve been learning a whole lot recently. I mean every day really. The universe keeps testing me but I know I can teach myself to overcome the tests and grow exponentially. I just have to keep surrounding myself with what I want to see in my life improving. Long story short, clean your room and let go of all the bullshit you don’t need and bring life into yo life. 🤪

So I know people usually post an introduction when blogging or what not but I’m not sure how this platform will treat me and who this will reach so I’m going to skip the intro for now. I’m just doing my life and whoever knows, knows.

These days I’ve been looking and reflecting on my past actions. And of course I don’t stay long in the past. Occasionally, my memory brings up past experiences and I start to break it down spiritually and how that influenced my personal life now and how I grew from it.

One of the biggest “character arcs” I had to encounter was was a bad breakup. And I won’t lie, it sucked when it happened and I spent months trying to get back on my shit from it. I would get so upset and enraged that I still was so held up on it ending instead of just letting it go. But for some reason I refused. I mean I did slowly let go but it took too long for me to process and I was so angry about it. Looking back now that I’ve fully let it go and accepted that it was just a learning process for me to THRIVE from, I am so at peace with the fact that it happened. And because of that, I now learn quicker and know how to let go faster.

Several months ago, my path crossed with a very familiar soul. The moment I laid eyes upon him I knew I was in the presence of a long history. Since then, I have learned more than I ever have. His soul has opened my third eye and is encouraging me to make changes without having to tell me anything. I learn from the energy. I learned to communicate, to listen, to love myself and in return I can give more love energy towards all, especially his soul. When our souls touch, the sense of belonging slips in with ease. I constantly crave for him. I adore him as who he is and who he shows and his vulnerability and his openness and willing to learn. I love his mind, I love his soul, I trust him with my entire being. I trust us. I see him as an equal, he doesn’t complete me because I don’t need completing. And I don’t complete him because he is already whole but we enhance each other. We are magic and we glow with immense power.

Anyways enough about him back to me. Had I not learned my lesson last year, I wouldn’t be able to access this great pure love. I wouldn’t be where I am now and I highly appreciate any lesson that the universe gives me. I’m unbelievably proud of my entire journey so far and I’m still very aware of the fact that I’m still at the beginning stages of the learning process and have so much longer to go. I’m just at the start of my journey and this blog is just to maybe reach an audience that will feel inspired to start their own journey but if not that’s totally okay too I’m just living my best life sharing it with the collective.

I’m still constantly learning and I’ll update this as much as I feel good to. And when talking about people here I won’t name names it’s just the lessons I’m learning through souls throughout my journey. I am very blessed with the best people who I get to call family, friends, and love. Thank you all