The smell of spring is slowly drifting into the soul. The wind is brushing up the flowers with uplifting notes. The sun is caressing all it touches, lightly, gently, not shocking our system but slowly allowing us to rise from our deep slumber.

This feeling of rebirth fuels my ambition. However slowly, however long it may take, I know I will flourish again.

Fall tore me apart. Fall shed me of the leaves I grew for a season, but their memories remain.

Fall was not an easy transition as I mentioned in previous posts. I was having trouble understanding why I had to change again, I was comfortable with my leaves. The cold started to kick in, I wanted so dearly to be held in those moments where parts of me died off. Little did I know, my leaves were falling to aid me in my regrowth this spring.

Winter was cold but winter was comfortable. I got to go into hibernation. I wasn’t needed in the “real world” I got to hole up and eat and relax. Winter was peaceful and warm because of the leaves that fell to protect my roots.

Now that winter is coming to an end, I have to rebuild myself. My buds are slowly peaking through the edges of my branches.

I wrote this last years start of spring but somehow the words still very highly resonate within me.

I did have to shed myself yet again this past fall.

Had to relinquish myself of the growth of the spring mentioned in this very post. But as I reflect I am so honored and blessed to have understood this transition better.

Time to be reborn again, time after time

Hour after hour

Day after day

Year after year 🙂

I don’t know what my current life situation would be if it had to be summed into words more than the word lost. Which I feel like is how I feel 85% of the time. So I mean that word basically sums up my existence but I don’t view it negatively. Most of my blogs posts mention how I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. And in all honesty, I have no friggin clue for real.

Since I’m used to this feeling of not really knowing where I’m headed next, I’ve gotten accustomed to it. But when people who I haven’t really experienced the “lost” emotion from start showing the signs that I do when I lose a little of hope, I start to worry. Two of the strongest people in my life currently have no idea where their headed next. And they are starting to be emotionally and spiritually drained. This breaks my heart.

Hearing your voice

So brittle and tired

Breaks my heart

but just know,

You’re still admired.

The little hope

you have within

must be held

I still love you

Push forth, keep livin.

Dark days surround us, only for now though because the sun must rise eventually, Even in the North Poles seasons, the sun shines eventually.

I miss you dearly and I deeply wish I could hold you close and tell you this too shall pass. My dear love, you mean the world to me. there is nobody else I’d rather be lost with. It leads me back to you.

Life isn’t always cupcakes and rainbows and butterflies. But I’d rather believe that it can be. I’d rather seek light in a pitch black room. I’d rather appreciate the half cup of water I have left. I’d rather cherish the pain knowing it’s leading me to greatness.

I don’t really know what I’m doing but what I do know is who I’m thriving to become. Every day I want to be a better version of who I was yesterday. And I’ve come a long way from who I was 365 yesterday’s ago.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me but I’d rather look at the struggles I’m facing today with grace and pride because I know tomorrow I will thank me today.

It’s 4 minutes from the witching hour

I’m lying awake

Feeling sour

I can’t sleep with this feeling

I can’t feel

Without us meeting.

Meeting halfway

Reconciling

Leaving my ways

Reenergizing

It’s a minute away from witching hour

I’m feeling lost

And I’m feeling no power

It is currently witching hour

I pray this heals

I pray for ours

It’s a minute past witching hour

You’re next to me

Fleeting, louder

This isn’t right

This isn’t fair

I hope to feel

I hope for air.

I love you now

I love you always

Just wish you’d see

Through these hallways

It’s 7 minutes past the time

I realize what’s yours

Is also mine

I feel my own and I take it too

I want for you

To want this too.

Ten minutes past the hand

I feel relief

I feel

I can

If I were free

Where would I be?

What would I see?

What would I believe?

If I can be free

Here and now

What would I achieve?

Why don’t I choose to?

Believing all that I know to be true

Would be silly of me

Feelings

Words

Emotions

Not sure how to convey

Moments of uncertainty

Within oneself

Within myself

The best way I could explain

Is just writing it

But what about when

I have absolutely no clue

What I want to write about?

Well, then I just do what I do best

Write whatever words come to mind

Which is portrayed best here

This last week was much

It was intense

It called for a lot of strength

I feel uneasy at the moment

Can’t place why

But it’s temporary

I’m just tired and I don’t have

The ambition to do any school work

This post is pointless but I need to channel myself into words or I’ll just feel like I’m stifling myself.

You’ve been in my dreams so much recently. I fall asleep thinking about your touch on my skin. I close my eyes to the imaginary sound of your laugh ringing in my ear. Images of you dance on my eyelids, like a light flickering. Words I so dearly anticipate exchanging bounce around in my skull. I await the moments where I can hold you and speak the words of my soul to yours and receive insight into your mind.

I can’t believe it’s December already and I most definitely can’t believe the amount of change that has manifested in my life since January, that’s for sure. I am baffled at the notion of recalling my past self to my current one. Reflecting on my insecurities during the earlier months of this year sends me in a tizzy. It also, however, makes me feel much lighter and alive.

This is scattered, but so am I so that’s just a portrayal of all that I am, all that I feel.

There’s lifetimes of conversations on the brink of explosion in all aspects of my life and I’m so close to releasing.

I’ve started to dabble in some poetry and some creative writing (which I mean is all writing if you allow yourself to be creative while channeling your words) but here are a few of my words in a rhyming scheme I guess!

With strong minds

But even stronger hearts

The peace within

Creates the stars

Release yourself

Find your true calling

Societies spell

Will soon be falling

Time is here

For now and always

Keep on seeking

Through your souls hallways

The answers unclear

Or is that perception?

Our minds could be

The biggest deception.

Find yourself

In moments of bondage

Release the thoughts

Of your past knowledge

We hold the key

To our own demise

So let us prevail

Till we all suffice

A light so clear

Ahead for all

Will soon be coming

Answer the call

Listen close

To your intentions

Hone clearly on

Your souls ascension

Allow yourself

The freedom of choice

Are you a slave

Let’s hear your voice

————-•————-

I don’t know lately

To be honest I’ve been feelin kind of hazy

My minds been running itself in circles

Yet I’m always finding my way over hurdlers.

I know I’m my own production of self conceived misery

And I’m slowly shedding my past self of all those silly commodities

My sole reminder of persistence is the simple fact of your existence

My past my present and my future constantly remind me to mend my sutures

You’re on the sidelines cheering me on

But I would hope so because It’s your own race after all

Flowing out of me are the words of soul

Yet I didn’t one day just wake up bold.

Time takes patience, even if time ain’t real

Even if it’s make believe, you can’t force yourself to heal.

This race I’m running is a solo endeavor

All this heavy breathing has made me more clever

The only thing to beat is me. My competitor is not my worst enemy.

I’m so close to the finish line, I can clearly taste the divine

Countless hours of grueling will receive their virtue.

It’s never been about the end, for that always shifts

It’s always been about the send, pushing till it clicks.

I choose to choose me in this race that I’m winning

Because this minor choice is just the beginning

Countless nights were once spent with paranoia

Now I’m building myself back up, metanoia.

I may be bleeding

But after comes healing

And everything in between

Has so much damn meaning

You’ve shown me

Greater heights

Than I’ve ever pictured

The view from

You’ve shown me

Boundaries

The uncrossable

And

The invisible

You’ve shown me

What it’s like

To question

My own demise

Brightly

You’ve shown me

More of myself

Than I ever imagined

Possible to find

You’ve show me

How true

Love

And

Trust

Manifest

You’ve shown me

Patience

Far greater than

Anyone’s been gracious

Enough to spare

You’ve shown me

That distance (space 7/27/23)

Is merely

An adhesive to

An authentic

Bond.

You’ve shown me

How to trust

Not only myself

But love.

Not blindly,

but rather yet

wisely.

You’ve shown me

That I am

Far more capable

Of being

Better, always.

You’ve shown me

Parts of

My

Future,

With your heart.

You’ve shown me

Myself.

And for this,

I am forever in gratitude.

I love you.

Far more than just an attitude.

-z

I know I haven’t posted in a while and it’s because I’ve been feeling a little too much to verbally convey to the mass media. Which I also am fully aware that when addressing these posts, I’m just proactively talking to my future self who is reading this but whatever. Who truly knows

Anyways. I’ve arrived to a multitude of self evaluations that truly shifted my gaze on myself. I have had a hard time for sure but as I was experience the hard situations, I also reconfirmed the underlying beauty of it all. And I kept pushing myself and reminding myself that something great is headed my way if I allow myself to believe in it. My problems are like other people’s problems. I recognize that. People have it worse. They truly do. But I will never feel that pain. I can only acknowledge and understand that pain. I can sympathize. I can allow myself to feel but nowhere near the feeling they experience.

I know I’ve mentioned the person I love most in these posts so I will return to him. I’ve spent the past almost week with him and It has felt like light years. Time has moved by at unconditional speeds. Time has warped itself to where I don’t sense it to same. I feel like I have zero obligations and that is one of the most freeing moments I’ve ever felt.

Now that I think about it, many of my favorite moments of existing stem from moments of extreme senses of freedom. Freedom from myself. Freedom from my ego. Freedom from the society and constant, excruciating slave labor we are under impression of “normal” life.

I like to think about reverting back to the nomadic days to where we are like cavemen again but with the knowledge we have now. So I guess in a sense just exploring our earth knowing what we do. Alright that was so off topic. Whatever

Anyways. Ya I

Yep haha that’s really I got to add to this thread. And on that note. Namaste

Right now the words aren’t coming to me as best as I know I could convey. But regardless of that I would still like to make a post about the past 2 weeks of my life.

My environment and what I perceive it to be is constantly shifting and changing. I’ve been doing my best to mold into wherever life takes me because that allows me to make the most of my situation. Right now, I don’t think my life is fully serving me because I know I’m capable of more and I will start doing the things that serve me for my creative outlets now. These past two weeks allowed me to fully harness and grasp the ideas that I know I want to start. This blog was one of the many ideas I wanted to start but I know that this platform won’t be my last.

As I’m writing this I feel more emotions than I have in a very long time. I feel joy because I know that my life is just truly starting. I feel sad because my person is going to be at a physical distance from me but I am also happy because I know that he will be having experiences he needs to be immersed in. I feel pride because he feels at peace with his choices. I feel at peace knowing that I am in the right universal place at the right universal time to keep growing. I am content with everything although I know that there is so much more I have to change in and around myself. I am elated to experience all the chapters that are coming in my life story because I know they will all carry a greatness with them. I feel fear but I also know that that fear is irrational and is correlated with my ego. Lastly, I feel true to myself because I’ve made peace with my truths and I speak on them when I feel the need to. I am still a work in progress but I am lightyears ahead of where I was 6 months ago or even a month ago.

I have never experienced anything as beautiful as the love I am receiving in my life at this moment in time. It is not conventional, but lately I’ve been hit with the reality of the fact that conventional is also bullshit. Out of the 6 months I’ve spent with my person, 3 of those were apart and we are about to experience a few more. Yet, it was in those moments specifically where we made peace with ourselves. I have always said that we grow on our own to grow together.

I’ve grown up in a family where communication is very limited due to the huge factor of fear. Well I’ve recognized this as a problem and am seeking a solution for myself to be a very open, honest, and communicative person. I’ve had a hard time talking about my feelings which is interesting because I always considered myself to be a very open person.

Whenever I feel the irrational fear of having someone abandon me I put my guard up and feel fear but it’s because those people chose themselves when they left me. In most cases at least. I.e my ex and my dad. They chose their own growth to that which was alongside me and I felt abandoned because I know I should choose my happiness too. As in the case with my ex, not really my father cus I was 2. But I should have let that go a lot earlier than when i did.

But anyways that’s still a hard reality for me to discuss because it’s so deeply rooted and I’m still digging but it’s best to feel it so I can grow into that space.

I am happy with where I am because it’s where I must be and I forget that way too often. But I’m reminding myself I gotta be here to be where I wanna be next. I’m building my flexibility in a sense. I’m breathing into the conditions that create tension and moving myself further along, deeper.

I’m ready for what is next. I am ready to reach my finish line in this specific marathon. But also enjoying jumping the hurdles and scuffing my knees a few times.