I am sorry for projecting so many of my expectations onto you.

I loved you the way you were, I also felt the beauty that you were so close to becoming.

That’s thanks to my savior complex, my need to fix people.

You didn’t need fixing from anyone but you.

I need repairing from only me for only me.

I did love you to the best of my abilities.

But I am sorry for placing so much onto you.

I’m sorry that I loved you with the intention of being loved back. That is not your job.

You don’t owe me anything, nor do I owe you anything

But I am sorry

I am so sorry it happened this way.

I’m sorry I placed you on a pedestal.

It wouldn’t have happened this way for me if it wasn’t for the greatest good for my needs.

I pray you find wholeness within yourself and I pray one day we can meet again.

Our love was cosmic, I felt it the second I met you.

Our love was recognized, I knew it the moment I held you.

Our love had been experienced in another realm, I saw the stars dancing between us.

They are still there. You are still here.

I still have love for you, truly- but not because I wish for you to admit you feel it to.

I simply feel it because you let me become myself. I taught me to love myself. You helped me see my potential- even though you didn’t say that precisely.

I thank you for the love. I thank you for the time. I thank you for the memories. I thank you for your smile.

And most importantly, I thank you for your endless presence – I still sense you now.

I’m learning that I only need myself, no fear of loss or need of fixing or approval will have me overindulge in love from an outsider ever again.

I have what I need to be full.

You have what you need to be full.

I pray you learn whatever you must from our love and I hope we can discuss in detail about the irony and the beauty of us whenever you find you’re ready.

I admire who I am becoming and I have you to thank for a good portion of it.

I love you Colt

Blessings on your journey.

I’d like to add some more to this-

As much ad I am sorry for my actions of loving to the best of my abilities while still not being the most correct, I know I gave my whole heart and was ready to transform myself into my best version alongside you.

I wholeheartedly believe I was actively doing the best I could to grow alongside you. Choosing myself while also choosing us and our future.

And I did a damn great job at it. And I’m doing a fucking fantastic job now too for my own growth.

and I don’t want to feel guilty for my current choice exploring myself after promising you I would choose you always.

I don’t deserve to feel guilty- I know this. I also know guilt is my own emotion so I’m just reiterating that to myself.

And exploring myself honestly has been exciting because I’ve been able to still prioritize myself while having my needs met and also being just the right amount present in another person.

But I refuse to stick to a promise like that if the recipient of that promise has trouble acknowledging the level of my own worth.

Which I also know comes from refusal to acknowledge their own worth.

Long story short is that I am putting down the weight of the effort of being the one who wants to mend, to communicate, to make something work.

That energy is sacred and should be shared with people who can receive it and recognize it.

And I’m by no means angry or upset. I’ve just had enough of wanting to work on something that my partner can’t afford to match.

So yes I’m sorry

I’m sorry for everything

But I’m sorry for your loss too.

I pray you can find yourself

In the raw corners of your heart

The most beautiful crevices,

Self conceived art.

I have found myself

Standing strong with love

In all corners of strength

Channeling from above

Nothing to run from

Nowhere to hide

I can see my true self

Shifting with the tide.

Far from the “perfect” thought

Edging closer to what I’ve got.

Today’s the day

To celebrate

My independence

Through the gate

The purest form

Of human connection

Resides within ourselves.

Resides in the peace we bring

To us and no one else.

The simplest form

The gentlest force

Surrounding only us.

The embrace we leave

The smile we seek

Is only up to trust.

To trust myself

To give to thee

The love I hold

Upon my sleeve.

I hope you see

The words I weave

Along myself

To be released.

The simplest form

Of human connection

Resides within ourselves.

Resides in the light we bring

That sits upon our chest.

The love we seek

The truest form

Cannot be sought without.

For the love

within our core

Is what we shall not doubt.

Allow the light within ourselves

That we are born to share

To flood around and then outside

Of this “prison cell.”

Perception of

being confined

Is the paradox

Love has never

Been more free

But it starts

With love is us.

Overthinking

I’m so

Over

Thinking

Running circles around my mind

Just to feel

I’m sinking

Sinking

Fleeting

Slowly shifting

Tired of

Over

Thinking

Of assuming

I’m always blinking

Refresh my memory

Going thrifting

Reused thoughts

Reduced thoughts

Amused by.

Thoughts

Being used by thoughts

I’m tired of being used

By my thoughts

So I reduce my plots

Recluse,

My cost.

Bemused

Bright moths

She moves

Not lost

No longer lost

In sea of

Thoughts

Calling the

Shots

Release the clots

My desire to

Connect the dots

Releasing them towards

The cosmonauts

Relinquish me

Of afterthoughts

Freedom be

Never a loss

Over

Thinking

Of what could have been

Making sweet peace

Being within.

I should have known to not give to receive

And over time

I grow more into the unconditional

And over time

I learn that wanting someone

To want me equally

Is what is deserved

And to give to receive is one of

Humans flawed conditions

But only time and self can heal and teach

That to give to ourselves

Is when we receive from ourselves

And we recognize what is deserved

From within.

Oh the human condition

Is a funny little thing

To this we must have because we give.

But once we have for ourselves all we give to another

Is when recognition of true self sets in

These past two months have been the most magnificent of times in my life.

Do I wish to know all the answers?

Why yes of course, I would love that

But I also know the answers are buried within my heart and I have to strip my ego to get to me

For I am always the answer

For I am always the light

And I chose the human condition

I chose this fight

Oh the beauty

Oh the pain

Oh what could be

Is what I am.

Love is love is love is me

I love to love and love to see

I pray for health

I pray for peace

I pray we all accept

Our human needs.

Could we have done better?

No.

We can do better now

Make peace with the past

And let it all out

We did our best

To complete the quest

We tried with all our might

I’m proud we shined our light

I’m proud of us

Im proud we tried

I forever stand by your side

Could we have done better?

No.

We did the best we could

We did,

we wished,

we fought,

we tried

Yet this is where we’re stood.

And this is it

This is the beauty

This is the heart

How it should be

Within the pain

Comes true release

To seek the real

The painful peace.

Peaceful pain

Oh, joyous growth

This is the way

We know we could.

We did our best

We did the better

We fought for then

I shall fight forever.

For peaceful pain

For heart and gain

No love in shame

To proudly claim

Ask me the questions

You need answers to

I promise you

I’ll give you the truth

From the heart

From my soul

To see this through

I’ll show you

Everything you need

Just ask me

Please ask me

Please

Perfectly imperfect

Crazy and impervious

The world won’t stop turning us

Crazy shifting, burning lust.

I am lost and yet found

Hollow yet sound

Fleeting yet down

Multiply yes now

I am

I am

I am

Me

The best I can be

The one I chose to see

I am doing my best to gain speed

But to where I can’t be

Forward

Ever moving

Forward

Your

Worth

Ever grooving

Your worth

Oh so soothing

All the things while nothing at all

The sound within while I stumble and crawl

Hurt inside and beneath us is all

The butterfly speaks

To conquer the fall

To speak is to dispell the beauty

It calls

I am writing to let you be y’all

To miss you I must rise and then fall

To miss you I must- fall and then fall

To miss you

I must stumble and crawl

To seek truth

I must-

Experience it all.

Expectations

A thought, perceived

Love arrangement

For you; a sea.

Uncertainty

You sweet relief

The change is swift

Unknown. At ease.

Fleeting now

The sight

The sound

Slipping now

Within the ground

Goodbye my dear

Goodbye my love

I hope; no fear

The sky above.