Right now the words aren’t coming to me as best as I know I could convey. But regardless of that I would still like to make a post about the past 2 weeks of my life.
My environment and what I perceive it to be is constantly shifting and changing. I’ve been doing my best to mold into wherever life takes me because that allows me to make the most of my situation. Right now, I don’t think my life is fully serving me because I know I’m capable of more and I will start doing the things that serve me for my creative outlets now. These past two weeks allowed me to fully harness and grasp the ideas that I know I want to start. This blog was one of the many ideas I wanted to start but I know that this platform won’t be my last.
As I’m writing this I feel more emotions than I have in a very long time. I feel joy because I know that my life is just truly starting. I feel sad because my person is going to be at a physical distance from me but I am also happy because I know that he will be having experiences he needs to be immersed in. I feel pride because he feels at peace with his choices. I feel at peace knowing that I am in the right universal place at the right universal time to keep growing. I am content with everything although I know that there is so much more I have to change in and around myself. I am elated to experience all the chapters that are coming in my life story because I know they will all carry a greatness with them. I feel fear but I also know that that fear is irrational and is correlated with my ego. Lastly, I feel true to myself because I’ve made peace with my truths and I speak on them when I feel the need to. I am still a work in progress but I am lightyears ahead of where I was 6 months ago or even a month ago.
I have never experienced anything as beautiful as the love I am receiving in my life at this moment in time. It is not conventional, but lately I’ve been hit with the reality of the fact that conventional is also bullshit. Out of the 6 months I’ve spent with my person, 3 of those were apart and we are about to experience a few more. Yet, it was in those moments specifically where we made peace with ourselves. I have always said that we grow on our own to grow together.
I’ve grown up in a family where communication is very limited due to the huge factor of fear. Well I’ve recognized this as a problem and am seeking a solution for myself to be a very open, honest, and communicative person. I’ve had a hard time talking about my feelings which is interesting because I always considered myself to be a very open person.
Whenever I feel the irrational fear of having someone abandon me I put my guard up and feel fear but it’s because those people chose themselves when they left me. In most cases at least. I.e my ex and my dad. They chose their own growth to that which was alongside me and I felt abandoned because I know I should choose my happiness too. As in the case with my ex, not really my father cus I was 2. But I should have let that go a lot earlier than when i did.
But anyways that’s still a hard reality for me to discuss because it’s so deeply rooted and I’m still digging but it’s best to feel it so I can grow into that space.
I am happy with where I am because it’s where I must be and I forget that way too often. But I’m reminding myself I gotta be here to be where I wanna be next. I’m building my flexibility in a sense. I’m breathing into the conditions that create tension and moving myself further along, deeper.
I’m ready for what is next. I am ready to reach my finish line in this specific marathon. But also enjoying jumping the hurdles and scuffing my knees a few times.
The Better ME 