Rut

I’ve been in a few deep ruts in my life. Thankfully, enough to count on one hand. In fact, enough to count on 2 fingers. I lost my grandmother to cancer in ’16 and that was the lowest I’ve ever felt. Then I lost who believed to be the love of my life two years later, but not to the forever, but to many conflicts.

Reflecting on those times now, I can say they were hard but I can also say I survived. I journaled through those times, and reading back, I didn’t think I would make it out according to the words I used to write. I was hurting. I was not aligned and I was petrified. It hurt. It hurt in my heart, it hurt in my soul, it hurt me emotionally more than anything could hurt me physically because of how helpless I felt.

Well right now, I’m experiencing the third time. I am in a rut. I feel like I’m in the mundane. I am sad with waking up not next to the person I love, in a house where the two adults don’t even love each other, going to get an education that cost me a fortune. I am sad about going to a job that sells plastics that are released into the world to decompose for thousands of years. Selling people products with calorie counts higher than any persons average intake should be, increasing our nations obesity problem.

I understand I’m looking at it the wrong way but it’s because I’m having a really hard time not feeling this pain, like I did when I lost a part of my family and when I lost someone who I loved (incorrectly). The reason those prior times hurt is because I had to learn a lot. I had to pull myself out of the darkness. I had to push myself. I have to do the same now and I keep remind myself it will just be another tally on a finger I can prove to have survived.

It’s very hard though. Yet writing about it now is somehow giving me a weird peace about it. Because I’m acknowledging that I not only can but will come out. It’s all my choice, and it was my choice to come out of the other ruts so why not this one too.

I spoke with a friend today about their relationship and they were saying that they feel like their significant other isn’t growing due to their dependence on them. I listened as I do and made best with the information I was receiving. Now, I choose to be unlike that persons significant other and I will be independent and grow and finish the shit and the mundane so that when all of this is said and done, the world opens up right in front of me.

I’ll get out of this quite, small town. I will go to hug the rainforests and to dip my feet into every ocean that beckons me to. I will say hi to all the fish with the most vibrant colors of the sea. I will lay in the warm rays of the sun with the sounds of the breeze dancing in my hair.

I will hold the hand that I love. I will kiss the lips I yearn for. I will hold my heart close to the heart that beats within the person I plan to spend forever growing with. I will be okay. I will make it out alive. I will survive. I will only grow from the pain. I will only grow wiser, stronger, quicker and more in love with myself.

I just have to keep reminding myself as many times as it takes till I’m out of it.

Edit 10/19: also to add to this, I am just finishing a marathon I intended to run to get to the finish line. I’m running against myself. I’m clearing all the hurdles even when it feels like I’m being set back enormous amounts of time. I am shaping into the best version of myself with each breath I take. I am shedding so many layers of who I was. The naïve blind me doesn’t exist. She was once there but she will not be missed. Every door I walk through closes softly behind me because I chose it to close.

The only person cheering me on on the sidelines is my future self. Knowing that I will make it out of this wild uncomfortable ride to experience pure bliss again is what pushes me every moment of ever day. And I’m silly for sometimes letting myself forget so easily.

I am so much more than the sadness that wants so bad to be acknowledged. Old parts of me are looking to be released but i am refusing. That person was scared. She was insecure, she was looking to fill voids she could easily fill herself.

Well call me bob the damn builder imma fill my own voids.

Anywho ya I just had to add that on here because it’s so damn true.