Better

Currently I am experiencing many heavy emotions in my personal life. It seems like I’m struggling to connect with many people who I know are my friends and family. I went to a music festival with people who I label as people who are relatively close to my heart, who I love dearly… yet I wanted to be alone 90% of the time. That being said, nothing against them, I just don’t feel okay to be around people right now because I haven’t had time to process the rapidly changing shit in my life and it’s building up.

I know I will soon be better. I know soon I will be okay. I know this too will pass. I know that it’s only temporary but right now I choose to be sad. I left my person in a time when I really wish I could be experiencing everything he is. Right now, I have experienced a multitude of emotions on the sadness scale because of this. Part of me felt like I was having separation anxiety, another part felt like my world was crumbling, I felt like shutting everyone and everything out because of the pain. I still feel this way but I’ve accepted that it is a feeling and it’s okay to feel them. I also know that there are reasons for me being this sad.

I’m questioning why it’s all happening. Did I so easily morph into a different life that when I came back to my “normal” I am feeling dazed and confused? Do I have to morph back into the person I was? Do I take the experiences I learned over the summer and relate them to my current? Is my sadness in my control? Am I sad because I’m afraid of having to learn things by myself?

These are the questions that I am asking myself right now. If I’m being honest with myself then I know that most of those questions answers are “yes”. However, I also know that for that last question in particular, I can have that fear be my guidance to learn. The fact that I’m even allowing myself to be honest with myself and questioning my own actions is empowering enough for me, it’s a reminder that I can and will overcome this. I have had these fears before, and I turned out just fine. This time, I just have to learn in a more powerful way.

I am very aware that I will be okay soon, and if I wanted to, I could be okay right now. I am choosing to be sad and to feel the pain because I want to learn to cope on my own and address my feelings as what they actually are and to be okay with not being okay.

I have “lost control” of my life. My room is a mess, my car is a mess, I haven’t been to school or work for a few weeks. I owe about 3 grand to people or to myself. I am very much letting go of control but I’m too tired to regain the control. And I keep pushing it off and prioritizing doing absolutely nothing with myself when I really should be taking hold. I will and I am. I just have to find a day to go into nature and find my center and then I’ll be okay. I also need to start prioritizing.

This entry is obviously a lot more vulnerable than my other ones but my life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. But I definitely don’t have it the worse. I can’t compare my hardships to others and my own experiences are for me to feel.

I will be okay. I just have to not be okay for a little and let myself feel all before harnessing and taking hold of my ability to control what is making me unhappy in my life.

I am strong, just like everyone. I am powerful, just like everyone. I can do this and I will do this. I see the future and I see myself coming out of this funk a much stronger, happier, healthier and loving person. Right now, I just have to find myself and my inner power through all the haze. To a better me.